Release

Lately, I have been allowing myself to become overwhelmed by tasks that my life seems to generate on its own. My career requires long hours, our house and the property that goes with it requires a huge investment of time and energy (our leaf raking yesterday just made room for more leaves to cover the ground). Our two dogs have shed and staked their claim on every piece of furniture creating the frequent sound of a vacuum running over the floors and couches. We are just finishing up revamping our powder room and there are still decisions to be made regarding pictures to display and which toilet paper holder to hang. Yes, I do tend to create my own stress don’t I? Honestly, why would I think even a week from now I would say to myself “I wish I would have chosen the other toilet paper holder as my life would be so much better”???!!! Frightening what my mind can come up with control and stew over. In addition to all of this, we have an out of town trip coming up which creates the need for packing, travel arrangements and preparing our home for our “doggy sitter”. I feel as if I am drowning. I am not sure how I feel ethically about experimental cloning but at times, that seems like a practical solution to an ongoing problem I have. Am I alone in this?
I really do know my life is no more, and possibly much less, full than those of who now giving up your precious time to read my ramblings. Our “children” are in their 40s and require nothing more than prayers and an I love you text occasionally, I have no responsibilities of assuring school work is completed or run ragged by carpooling the kiddos. My husband and I are working full time, but I know plenty of people who balance two jobs, just to assure there is food on the table and rent is paid on time. However, I have this embarrassing illness that requires me to control everything. Nothing is off limits, every detail from the condition of my home to the way my husband manages or fails to, manage his time. With everything in my world under my private microscope and my responsibility, no wonder I am always emotional and physically exhausted. This weight does not allow much wiggle room for spontaneity or the quiet whispers of the Holy Spirit. It does not allow a lot of down time, rest or that “peace that passes all understanding” that we Christians are promised. It steals the trust and respect my husband deserves and has the capability of distancing me from my friends. This weight is entirely my own creation. My addiction to control has dragged me down into a pit that is dark and lonely.

I was near “meltdown” yesterday and beginning to fall into that same pit this morning when the Lord whispered to me. I will be honest, it wasn’t a whisper, he actually raised his voice to this nearly deaf daughter.

As I was checking out our calendar I noticed my husband took some time off work that I totally forgot about. He told me, more than once I am sure, but it didn’t register what that would mean when it comes to my task list. Because he will be off, many of the items on my list will be removed and placed on his list. That sounds terrible, but he is always asking me how he can help, and a confession from this controlling person, I often foolishly keep my tasks on my list, otherwise, how can I control how these tasks get completed?
I went upstairs to have my time with God and started writing in my journal: how do I balance time vs earning an income vs productivity vs priorities in nurturing relationships, vs following God’s leading and instructions. At that moment the Lord gave me this word picture. He showed me that my mind is like a block of cement (not exactly complimentary; I’d rather think of it like a sponge!) In order for me to hear Him, to be in control of my life cognizant of His presence He had to create an earthquake that caused a fissure, a small opening for his life-changing truth to displace the fear and anxiety that my need to control has created. He needed to allow me to fall so I would finally be willing to raise my hand and reach for help. To reach for help from Him, my soul mate and anyone else my loving father brings to my side. I need to relax my grip on control and stop sacrificing the false god of perfectionism. I need to renew my trust and worship the God of love and perfect provision. Our God is patient, gentle and kind. He knows what we need when we need it and exactly what will draw us back into His calming presence.

He reminds us in His word,

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you”
1 Peter 5:7

I picture casting as throwing a ball to a very capable catcher who doesn’t need protective garb to prevent injury from the weight of my anxiety.
The same power that raised Jesus from the grave, is quite capable of removing and resolving my addiction to control and my worship of perfectionism. He is more than able to create space and time for productivity, spontaneity and rest. He is able!

Shalom,
Karen