I don’t want to write today

Do you ever get the “wind knocked out of your sails”? A time when you were moving along a specific path with your eyes focused on the prize. The more you worked toward your goal the clearer and more colorful it became. You knew it was attainable, it could be realized. But then, a dark cloud begins to obstruct your vision, your anticipation, your certainty of the plans you made. Your goal now seems like just a dream and you have woken to a foggy reality.  Sails down, you are now floating aimlessly.

Honestly, this is how I am feeling about storiesfromaservant right now.  As a counselor once said to me “feelings are not facts”,.  But, oh dear readers, feeling can create facts if we act on those feeling. I have been keeping my fingers off the keyboard of this laptop.  I humbly confess that my discouragement has gotten the better of me. My feelings are those of defeat and my actions are reflections of those feelings.

I wish I was one of those people, who have a kind of internal combustion engine built into them. An idea, goal or dream is born in their heart. Once they begin to move in the direction of their dream they keep moving. Like a car engine that only stops for refueling occasionally. Or the famous watch that “takes a licking and keeps on ticking” (Yes I am a child of the 50s). How about that energizer bunny that keeps moving and pounding that little drum. He pushes through any obstacle that is placed in his way?  His eye is on the prize.  Oh, why was I not blessed with that internal fortitude?

Unfortunately, I am more like the creature that needs a prod in order to create movement.  Like one of my senior dogs, Sam, that needs the treat almost placed in his mouth before he will move out of his comfy spot.  If I don’t experience positive results rather quickly, I tend to give up.  In some areas (such as a new endeavor), I need immediate gratification to continue moving.  I need constant reassurance that I am heading in the right direction, I have to really “know” success is inevitable.  Yikes, its amazing I have done anything worthwhile in my life.

I tend to think of life in the “Cliffs Notes” version. Remember those? Study guides that made homework easier. Don’t want to read the 1225 pages of “War and Peace” by Tolstoy? Buy the Cliffs Notes and save yourself hours of grueling work.

When I attempt to tell a story, a joke or even a personal experience, I nearly always skip the middle and head right to the end. By doing this I leave my audience with a puzzled expression on their face as if wondering if they missed something or was it the presenter. Yes, friends, it is the presenter.

So, back to this blog project. After being prompted and strongly encouraged by dear friends and family, I delved in with both feet. I spent hours and hours stretching myself to get this website up and running. I was hoping to use this laptop to unlock the potential of sharing the many lessons God was teaching me. I trusted the good Lord would direct people to this blog that wanted to join me in this journey called faith.  Those who would benefit from my goofy stories of successes and failures, (more the latter I am afraid) .  I expected the “Cliff Notes” version of an explosive success of this endeavor. Nope, not in the cards by any stretch of my wild imagination. And, since I am a “Cliffs Notes”, kind of person, I have become discouraged at the snail-like progress of storiesfromaservant. I have very few followers, except for a few members of my own small family and circle of friends.   I have received very few emails except corporations that want my money to “grow my business”.  And now I am lacking motivation to continue writing. Oh, “poor pitiful me”, as my dear mom would say. Or, “waa, waa, waa”, as my sister says in jest.  Kindly, neither my mom or sister  have made these comments in regards to my recent attitude about my writing.  By the way, for those of you who are faithful followers, your checks are in the mail (LOL)!!

I guess its time that I learn our dear Lord does not teach and grow us up in the “Cliffs Notes” version. He is slow, methodical, kind and will use every speed bump that comes our way to teach us His ways, and draw us closer to His open arms. This loving, powerful Father certainly could give this venture the full throttle of success. He could have provided thousands of subscribers, book deals and how about movie rights? Egads!! But, Moses was in his 80s before God gave him his first big assignment to speak to Pharoah, why would I expect anything less? I have almost two decades to go before I am 80….plenty of time for God to tweak my heart!

As I write this I think of what would I have missed if he had given my work a power boost? I would have missed the soul searching, fully transparent, heartfelt prayers I have shared with my Father while seeking his direction and clarity. I would have missed, the experience of being truly humbled by just one person responding to these simple words from a sinner saved only by grace. I also would have missed the sweetness of my dear friends and family cheering me on. I would have been deaf to those simple expressions of love and support as the noise of the crowd would have overshadowed those quiet voices that know and love me.

So, thank you Lord for your patience, wisdom and undeserved love you show to this daughter of yours. No more wish from me for “Cliffs Notes” version, give me the uncondensed version of life training that you know I so desperately need. Keep my steps and expectations from hurrying to the finish line by way of a short cut that would have prevented the full picture of your will for my life.

Be blessed dear friends,
In your humble service,
Karen